moi gratitude

they say you have to thank the people who've helped you along the way so that in the end, meaning your last days on earth, you know you've expressed your gratitude to everyone.

so before i die, whenever it may be, i'd like to take this opportunity to thank some of the people who've really made a difference in my life...

1. moi loving and sometimes infuriating family. no matter how much we fight, yell or try hard to give each other the cold shoulder we could never really do it... i thank thee for being patient with me, giving in to whatever i wanted, with reason of course, and even though it was given late, for giving me attention. it must've been hard to be doctors and parents at the same time. and it must have been hard to raise such a hard headed rebel like me. i know i have caused you so many headaches, and i probably will still cause you some problems, but i thank you for forgiving me and accepting me everytime.

2. moi college friends. i wanna name names.

a. to kimpoy. my sister. my mom at one point.my procrastinator buddy, shopping bud, coffee/ pure vanilla drinking bud. thank you, for so many things that i cannot even list down. but here are some.thank you for being my friend till today. for always having an open door when i go to your room and sleep on your bunk at some nights (pag di ako nahuhuli ni ate elsa, hahaha). for trusting me with things like shopping, encouraging me to paint/ draw. for encouraging me with moi hobby even if a lot of people think i'm too old for it. for being honest with me. and most importantly, for holding my hand and being there for me even when everything else was falling apart.

b. to madel. my love, my friend, my breakfast club member... thank you soo much, i know i've told you this but i never expected you to be my friend. however, i'm lucky that you are. you're a gem, and i hope you'll always remember that.you've always been there to listen to my troubles, you were there when i cried and was frustrated, you were always with me and i thank you for that. even now, you're still supporting me with your daily devotions, and i truly appreciate that, i hope you dont grow tired of me.

c. to allyl. my super sweet. my buttie? hahaha, my lover and my life's cheerleader. salamat, hahaha biglang nagtagalog! anyway, salamat dahil napapagtiisan mo ang mga mahihiwagang mood swings ko. ang mga impulsive decisions ko sa buhay at ang mga times na i wallow in self-pity, thank you kasi whenever i'm like that you always know what to say. whenever i'm with you it's always a riot and i laugh so naturally and effortlessly when i'm with you. iba ka lang e! salamat kasi you always inject the importance of God in my life and i love that you're always so down- to- earth. alam mo nmn na sau lang ako tumatawa ng walang tigil.. may you continue to be blessed by God and spread joy to other people. ikaw pa e miss congeniality ka!

d. to cookie. my kafatid and moi confidante... kamusta ka nmn di na tayo nagkita after! hala! anyway, i thank you for being my friend, for being there for me when i was feeling down, you're presence was enough to make me feel happy... sa mga dancing lessons na hindi naman ako natuto.. hahaha... i shall never forget! ang mga trying hard movements and laugh trips, naku never ko na ulit yun matry! for the food trips, kaya ako tumaba dahil senyo ni madz, para sa mga payat na tao construction nmn kung kumain! amp! anyway, sa mga talks on loves and stuff, sana maging happy ka, know that whatever you decide as long as you're happy i shall support you.

3. to my college friends. i cannot name names kasi wala pa ako masyado memories, pero salamat for the simple fact na tinanggap nyo ako as a friend. i may not be the most approachable person in the world sa taray ng face ko pero thank you for accepting me. thanks also for listening to my non-sense stories and my evil plots, thank you for bearing with me pag nagiging moody ako and impossible. sana we'll have more memories together.. ay thanks pala for listening also to moi happiness stories, pag nagiging evil na ako slap me so as to wake me up...

to the future people i will meet.. thank you in advance for touching my life.. naks ang drama... this is what i get from reading biochem for 2 hours!

it's time to re-evaluate.

my friends all know who happiness is, well i'm starting to think that he might not be happiness after all.
why you ask? there's a blog i should've never read, but i did and that's what caused all this. it was written around july of this year, i cannot say who the author is, but it was about happiness. Oddly enough, this blog is on the same network as mine, hahaha, sayang di ko ni-watch ung site nya

anyway, what i read, i did not like. not one bit. am not turning to a green-eyed monster mind you.
i just don't want to end up like her. i don't want to be frustrated and confused and all the other things she felt. i'm  not as brave so i cannot name happiness, he is who he is... at least alam nyo friends... am fine with that.

hay, that blog really got to me, i think i empathized with that girl, parang ayoko na tuloy agawan.. hahaha... as if kaya.. pero true, kanya nalang siguro kasi in her writings i really felt all the feelings she wanted to express, galing nga e... anyway, i think i shall wait to be hit with joy... un na ang next code name! hahaha...

happiness is over.;.. i await for joy... belat!

hole in my heart!

i am on the brink of tears. and i don't know why.

i feel cranky, and angry and frustrated. and somehow i just want everything to stop. to drop everything and just take a deep breath. to not think of anything, walk slowly and leisurely. i hate this feeling of unhappiness and i don't know why i'm even feeling this way... just that i feel like there's a big hole in my heart and i know that no one can fill it in... because i am having probably separation anxieties..

when i was with my college friends, i have never had this feeling before. and i don't know how to deal with all of this... i am overwhelmed. i am being mean to people who are close to me and i just don't like it... i want my friends to be with me!

regrets are for idiots

regrets.

the ugliest word i have ever heard.

whether it be the regret of doing something or the regret of not being able to do something, i hate it both.

i honestly have never regretted anything in my life. i'm not such a brat that i didn't feel any remorse for having done something, but that remorse was more pointed to having hurt other people rather than feeling remorse for doing it.

i know you're thinking how could you never have had any regrets? it's because i know, no matter what the situation is, no matter what predicament i am in, i know that it is through my own choice.

this reminds me of a question asked by my English professor back in highschool. he's dead now, may his soul rest in peace. he asked us, do you think life is about destiny, our choices in life, or both?

most of my classmates answered both. i thought they were idiots. destiny is for idealistic people who like to romanticize their lives by saying 'it's destiny'. Life is all about the choices we make, but our choices are somehow influenced by other people around us. For example, i chose to draw on a saturday, but suddenly our biochem prof decided that she'd make us submit the hw on a monday, and with that my choice will have to be re- evaluated and i'd probably choose to do the hw first than draw. (that's hypothetically speaking of course).

wishing to go back in time to re-do your past mistakes, would essentially be the biggest mistake you could ever do in your entire life. because you will be erasing one of your life's important learning experiences. we all make mistakes, but rather than regretting, cherish it... and most importantly Learn from it...

***dedicated to someone

getting older but not any wiser

my birthday is just a few days away.
i shall soon be twenteen-two... ugh.

i look back to recall the twenteen-one years of my life (though i couldn't remember all that much to begin with) and i find that i still haven't changed that much.. somethings i did outgrow.. like my clothes. some i didn't, like being a procrastinator..

they say that the more you get old the more you are better equipped with knowledge, that's a load of bull.
i am turning twenteen two and i still know nothing, noda, zilch!
it may just be the anxiety of getting older whilst i am still dependent on my parents, but sometimes i feel that i'm still not fit enough to be an adult.

moi rantings today are messy, but i shall post for the sake of venting my frustrations.. people don't greet me on my birthday! i shall hate you!