nothing

do you know who you are and what you're supposed to do in life? If so, can you tell me who i am and what i'm supposed to do now?

i have been walking this earth for 23 years now, and i have to say i've lived a relatively carefree life. 

my elementary and high school days were uneventful, to the point that i don't remember majority of what my life was back then, or the friends i once had. you could say that as a child i was unattached to people; i suppose it's because growing up my parents were never home and as a form of self preservation, to not get hurt, subconsciously i chose to remain distant from people.

when i was choosing what the hell i'd study for college, i looked to my parents for guidance. however, they told me i should decide what i want to do on my own. for some people that would have been fine, but i was very much lost to say the least. you see, as i mentioned before my parents were almost never there to guide me through all the decision making i had to do as a child, i had to decide for myself and along the way those decisions ended with me getting spanked. i was terrified, i had no direction in life. all along i thought i could just live at home and be at peace, oh, the pains of growing up.

i chose to go into nursing, not because i wanted to become a nurse, but because all my classmates were telling me that's what they were going to take. so i thought, 'okay, might as well join in'. i had no idea what i was doing in life (to be fair, i STILL don't know what i'm doing), but i chose to go to a school far from my home and ended up living in a dormitory. 

it was fun at first,getting to know other people. being far away from my parents. doing whatever i wanted. but i soon got tired of it all. i realized i was alone. no, not lonely. ALONE. the word ran through my mind again and again. i began to drift away from the friends i made, i spent my time wondering what was it that was lacking. more importantly, i wanted to escape. No matter what means it was i wanted out. even if it meant death. at the time, i thought it would be great if i had just disappeared. not a trace in sight, to just vanish and leave this chaotic world. No one understands me, not even today, no one fully understands me.

my relationship with mother became strained during my second year in college. i had wanted to pull-out from my course to take up animation, but she wanted me to finish nursing. in the end, i let her win. and that was that. the rest of my years in college were insignificant to say the least. my friends would probably tell me otherwise, but slowly i am forgetting even my feelings for them.

after i graduated, i tried to work as a nurse, but i knew it wasn't for me. i just didn't have the passion and love for it. to me it was all tedious work. so i did what i do best, i escaped. i ran by saying i wanted to pursue medicine. and my parents let me. i don't know what they saw, maybe they just said yes so that in the end they could tell me they gave me everything i had wanted. 

i got accepted by a good med school, and i'm currently a second year med student. however, i still have not changed. i do not know what i want in life. i do not know what purpose i have in this world. i still imagine myself just disappearing or dying. and still, to me, living like this is very painful. to the point that i can't even cry. i know, some people would tell me to try and talk with my parents but i have had enough. i can't keep up the facade that my family is a functional one, so why bother. maybe i need psychiatric help. 

i am still functioning. a can laugh and cry at appropriate times. i can interact with people normally and hide my true self behind a smiling face because i know that my true self is disgusting and ugly. a selfish, self serving person who doesn't want to deal with any hardships. i am a miserable human being, i am already numb, maybe that's why i can't love other people. maybe that's why i forget people easily. 

someone kill me now. right now i am nothing.

it's a dog!

a few months ago my cousin brought home with her a cute little shi tzu.... watching her with the small dog i wanted one for myself but i'm not really the type that's successful in saving money. so i did what most people without money would do. i begged my mom to buy me one.... yes, i'm pathetic but i take pride in the fact that i'm still dependent on my parents at the age of 22... anyways, every week since then i've told my mom about the joys a new dog would bring. you see, we already have one dog, Goku, but he's a german shepherd. not really the type you want to cuddle and pamper. Week after week without fail i would tell her about how i wanted a shi tzu, but she'd always say that it would be a hassle to take care of another pet. Mind you, i was sure she'd never buy me one since she vehemently said no to me on numerous occasions. so imagine my surprise when three days ago my brother calls me up and says "ate may bagong aso, ano gusto mo ipangalan?", my heart skipped a beat and asked "may shi tzu na tayo?", i suppressed a scream when he said yes... finally a cute little dog!

we decided that his name would be rafa, after rafael nadal. i hurriedly went home and even willingly rode a bus just to see him....and right now... he's just the cutest thing in the world to me....

i've always wondered, what it was like to be truly happy.

if you think this is a blog about finding happiness, STOP. it's not about the secret to being happy.
if, however, you wish to listen- or read rather- to my worthless ramblings, then do read on.

i live a relatively normal life.
my parents provide for my daily needs, they give me things that i ask for. basically, i should be happy about everything.

But then, why is it that i can't recall ever smiling and laughing truly?

what is it that is missing? why is it that i'm unhappy?

of course i know the answer to that. it's because, no matter how much money i have, how many things i get the one thing i want, it seems i can't get. no matter how long and hard i pray, it just won't come true.

i see it clearly, the cracks that they try to cover so desperately.i sometimes wonder how long it'll last. this game of charades, that has gotten old. when will all of it be over?

a happiness that would fill this void in my heart, seems impossible for me to grasp.

it may seem like an overly melodramatic blog. with no concrete description, but this is part of my disorganized ramblings i suppose.

time for myself is when?

everytime i come to school nowadays the air is full of buzz and energy... everyone having their own group meeting, ah yes it's toxic season at last...

a rundown of our hectic schedule is much needed for other people to relate...
feb 23... physio lab pracs
feb 26 ... anatomy cpc (hays... i pray our group will not present)
march 2... physio role playing
march 3 biochem research presentation
march 8... start of 6th long
march 15... start of finals week...

toxic is an understatement for this...
but even if that is the case... it's still ok... we just need to give it our best and hopefully God will do the rest.!!!
2013B let's all work hard for the remaining 4 weeks!!!
aja!!!

moi gratitude

they say you have to thank the people who've helped you along the way so that in the end, meaning your last days on earth, you know you've expressed your gratitude to everyone.

so before i die, whenever it may be, i'd like to take this opportunity to thank some of the people who've really made a difference in my life...

1. moi loving and sometimes infuriating family. no matter how much we fight, yell or try hard to give each other the cold shoulder we could never really do it... i thank thee for being patient with me, giving in to whatever i wanted, with reason of course, and even though it was given late, for giving me attention. it must've been hard to be doctors and parents at the same time. and it must have been hard to raise such a hard headed rebel like me. i know i have caused you so many headaches, and i probably will still cause you some problems, but i thank you for forgiving me and accepting me everytime.

2. moi college friends. i wanna name names.

a. to kimpoy. my sister. my mom at one point.my procrastinator buddy, shopping bud, coffee/ pure vanilla drinking bud. thank you, for so many things that i cannot even list down. but here are some.thank you for being my friend till today. for always having an open door when i go to your room and sleep on your bunk at some nights (pag di ako nahuhuli ni ate elsa, hahaha). for trusting me with things like shopping, encouraging me to paint/ draw. for encouraging me with moi hobby even if a lot of people think i'm too old for it. for being honest with me. and most importantly, for holding my hand and being there for me even when everything else was falling apart.

b. to madel. my love, my friend, my breakfast club member... thank you soo much, i know i've told you this but i never expected you to be my friend. however, i'm lucky that you are. you're a gem, and i hope you'll always remember that.you've always been there to listen to my troubles, you were there when i cried and was frustrated, you were always with me and i thank you for that. even now, you're still supporting me with your daily devotions, and i truly appreciate that, i hope you dont grow tired of me.

c. to allyl. my super sweet. my buttie? hahaha, my lover and my life's cheerleader. salamat, hahaha biglang nagtagalog! anyway, salamat dahil napapagtiisan mo ang mga mahihiwagang mood swings ko. ang mga impulsive decisions ko sa buhay at ang mga times na i wallow in self-pity, thank you kasi whenever i'm like that you always know what to say. whenever i'm with you it's always a riot and i laugh so naturally and effortlessly when i'm with you. iba ka lang e! salamat kasi you always inject the importance of God in my life and i love that you're always so down- to- earth. alam mo nmn na sau lang ako tumatawa ng walang tigil.. may you continue to be blessed by God and spread joy to other people. ikaw pa e miss congeniality ka!

d. to cookie. my kafatid and moi confidante... kamusta ka nmn di na tayo nagkita after! hala! anyway, i thank you for being my friend, for being there for me when i was feeling down, you're presence was enough to make me feel happy... sa mga dancing lessons na hindi naman ako natuto.. hahaha... i shall never forget! ang mga trying hard movements and laugh trips, naku never ko na ulit yun matry! for the food trips, kaya ako tumaba dahil senyo ni madz, para sa mga payat na tao construction nmn kung kumain! amp! anyway, sa mga talks on loves and stuff, sana maging happy ka, know that whatever you decide as long as you're happy i shall support you.

3. to my college friends. i cannot name names kasi wala pa ako masyado memories, pero salamat for the simple fact na tinanggap nyo ako as a friend. i may not be the most approachable person in the world sa taray ng face ko pero thank you for accepting me. thanks also for listening to my non-sense stories and my evil plots, thank you for bearing with me pag nagiging moody ako and impossible. sana we'll have more memories together.. ay thanks pala for listening also to moi happiness stories, pag nagiging evil na ako slap me so as to wake me up...

to the future people i will meet.. thank you in advance for touching my life.. naks ang drama... this is what i get from reading biochem for 2 hours!

it's time to re-evaluate.

my friends all know who happiness is, well i'm starting to think that he might not be happiness after all.
why you ask? there's a blog i should've never read, but i did and that's what caused all this. it was written around july of this year, i cannot say who the author is, but it was about happiness. Oddly enough, this blog is on the same network as mine, hahaha, sayang di ko ni-watch ung site nya

anyway, what i read, i did not like. not one bit. am not turning to a green-eyed monster mind you.
i just don't want to end up like her. i don't want to be frustrated and confused and all the other things she felt. i'm  not as brave so i cannot name happiness, he is who he is... at least alam nyo friends... am fine with that.

hay, that blog really got to me, i think i empathized with that girl, parang ayoko na tuloy agawan.. hahaha... as if kaya.. pero true, kanya nalang siguro kasi in her writings i really felt all the feelings she wanted to express, galing nga e... anyway, i think i shall wait to be hit with joy... un na ang next code name! hahaha...

happiness is over.;.. i await for joy... belat!

hole in my heart!

i am on the brink of tears. and i don't know why.

i feel cranky, and angry and frustrated. and somehow i just want everything to stop. to drop everything and just take a deep breath. to not think of anything, walk slowly and leisurely. i hate this feeling of unhappiness and i don't know why i'm even feeling this way... just that i feel like there's a big hole in my heart and i know that no one can fill it in... because i am having probably separation anxieties..

when i was with my college friends, i have never had this feeling before. and i don't know how to deal with all of this... i am overwhelmed. i am being mean to people who are close to me and i just don't like it... i want my friends to be with me!