moi gratitude

they say you have to thank the people who've helped you along the way so that in the end, meaning your last days on earth, you know you've expressed your gratitude to everyone.

so before i die, whenever it may be, i'd like to take this opportunity to thank some of the people who've really made a difference in my life...

1. moi loving and sometimes infuriating family. no matter how much we fight, yell or try hard to give each other the cold shoulder we could never really do it... i thank thee for being patient with me, giving in to whatever i wanted, with reason of course, and even though it was given late, for giving me attention. it must've been hard to be doctors and parents at the same time. and it must have been hard to raise such a hard headed rebel like me. i know i have caused you so many headaches, and i probably will still cause you some problems, but i thank you for forgiving me and accepting me everytime.

2. moi college friends. i wanna name names.

a. to kimpoy. my sister. my mom at one point.my procrastinator buddy, shopping bud, coffee/ pure vanilla drinking bud. thank you, for so many things that i cannot even list down. but here are some.thank you for being my friend till today. for always having an open door when i go to your room and sleep on your bunk at some nights (pag di ako nahuhuli ni ate elsa, hahaha). for trusting me with things like shopping, encouraging me to paint/ draw. for encouraging me with moi hobby even if a lot of people think i'm too old for it. for being honest with me. and most importantly, for holding my hand and being there for me even when everything else was falling apart.

b. to madel. my love, my friend, my breakfast club member... thank you soo much, i know i've told you this but i never expected you to be my friend. however, i'm lucky that you are. you're a gem, and i hope you'll always remember that.you've always been there to listen to my troubles, you were there when i cried and was frustrated, you were always with me and i thank you for that. even now, you're still supporting me with your daily devotions, and i truly appreciate that, i hope you dont grow tired of me.

c. to allyl. my super sweet. my buttie? hahaha, my lover and my life's cheerleader. salamat, hahaha biglang nagtagalog! anyway, salamat dahil napapagtiisan mo ang mga mahihiwagang mood swings ko. ang mga impulsive decisions ko sa buhay at ang mga times na i wallow in self-pity, thank you kasi whenever i'm like that you always know what to say. whenever i'm with you it's always a riot and i laugh so naturally and effortlessly when i'm with you. iba ka lang e! salamat kasi you always inject the importance of God in my life and i love that you're always so down- to- earth. alam mo nmn na sau lang ako tumatawa ng walang tigil.. may you continue to be blessed by God and spread joy to other people. ikaw pa e miss congeniality ka!

d. to cookie. my kafatid and moi confidante... kamusta ka nmn di na tayo nagkita after! hala! anyway, i thank you for being my friend, for being there for me when i was feeling down, you're presence was enough to make me feel happy... sa mga dancing lessons na hindi naman ako natuto.. hahaha... i shall never forget! ang mga trying hard movements and laugh trips, naku never ko na ulit yun matry! for the food trips, kaya ako tumaba dahil senyo ni madz, para sa mga payat na tao construction nmn kung kumain! amp! anyway, sa mga talks on loves and stuff, sana maging happy ka, know that whatever you decide as long as you're happy i shall support you.

3. to my college friends. i cannot name names kasi wala pa ako masyado memories, pero salamat for the simple fact na tinanggap nyo ako as a friend. i may not be the most approachable person in the world sa taray ng face ko pero thank you for accepting me. thanks also for listening to my non-sense stories and my evil plots, thank you for bearing with me pag nagiging moody ako and impossible. sana we'll have more memories together.. ay thanks pala for listening also to moi happiness stories, pag nagiging evil na ako slap me so as to wake me up...

to the future people i will meet.. thank you in advance for touching my life.. naks ang drama... this is what i get from reading biochem for 2 hours!

it's time to re-evaluate.

my friends all know who happiness is, well i'm starting to think that he might not be happiness after all.
why you ask? there's a blog i should've never read, but i did and that's what caused all this. it was written around july of this year, i cannot say who the author is, but it was about happiness. Oddly enough, this blog is on the same network as mine, hahaha, sayang di ko ni-watch ung site nya

anyway, what i read, i did not like. not one bit. am not turning to a green-eyed monster mind you.
i just don't want to end up like her. i don't want to be frustrated and confused and all the other things she felt. i'm  not as brave so i cannot name happiness, he is who he is... at least alam nyo friends... am fine with that.

hay, that blog really got to me, i think i empathized with that girl, parang ayoko na tuloy agawan.. hahaha... as if kaya.. pero true, kanya nalang siguro kasi in her writings i really felt all the feelings she wanted to express, galing nga e... anyway, i think i shall wait to be hit with joy... un na ang next code name! hahaha...

happiness is over.;.. i await for joy... belat!

hole in my heart!

i am on the brink of tears. and i don't know why.

i feel cranky, and angry and frustrated. and somehow i just want everything to stop. to drop everything and just take a deep breath. to not think of anything, walk slowly and leisurely. i hate this feeling of unhappiness and i don't know why i'm even feeling this way... just that i feel like there's a big hole in my heart and i know that no one can fill it in... because i am having probably separation anxieties..

when i was with my college friends, i have never had this feeling before. and i don't know how to deal with all of this... i am overwhelmed. i am being mean to people who are close to me and i just don't like it... i want my friends to be with me!

regrets are for idiots

regrets.

the ugliest word i have ever heard.

whether it be the regret of doing something or the regret of not being able to do something, i hate it both.

i honestly have never regretted anything in my life. i'm not such a brat that i didn't feel any remorse for having done something, but that remorse was more pointed to having hurt other people rather than feeling remorse for doing it.

i know you're thinking how could you never have had any regrets? it's because i know, no matter what the situation is, no matter what predicament i am in, i know that it is through my own choice.

this reminds me of a question asked by my English professor back in highschool. he's dead now, may his soul rest in peace. he asked us, do you think life is about destiny, our choices in life, or both?

most of my classmates answered both. i thought they were idiots. destiny is for idealistic people who like to romanticize their lives by saying 'it's destiny'. Life is all about the choices we make, but our choices are somehow influenced by other people around us. For example, i chose to draw on a saturday, but suddenly our biochem prof decided that she'd make us submit the hw on a monday, and with that my choice will have to be re- evaluated and i'd probably choose to do the hw first than draw. (that's hypothetically speaking of course).

wishing to go back in time to re-do your past mistakes, would essentially be the biggest mistake you could ever do in your entire life. because you will be erasing one of your life's important learning experiences. we all make mistakes, but rather than regretting, cherish it... and most importantly Learn from it...

***dedicated to someone

getting older but not any wiser

my birthday is just a few days away.
i shall soon be twenteen-two... ugh.

i look back to recall the twenteen-one years of my life (though i couldn't remember all that much to begin with) and i find that i still haven't changed that much.. somethings i did outgrow.. like my clothes. some i didn't, like being a procrastinator..

they say that the more you get old the more you are better equipped with knowledge, that's a load of bull.
i am turning twenteen two and i still know nothing, noda, zilch!
it may just be the anxiety of getting older whilst i am still dependent on my parents, but sometimes i feel that i'm still not fit enough to be an adult.

moi rantings today are messy, but i shall post for the sake of venting my frustrations.. people don't greet me on my birthday! i shall hate you!

my faith and my heart

for my college friends whom i care for and love dearly.

my morning are not the same as before. when i was in college, i'd take a cab ride to tipol where i'd find madz waiting for me near the canteen. now, when i go to school i take the crammed and packed and poorly air conditioned LRT. when i get to school, i'm usually the first one to arrive and i just sit there silently.

back in college me and madz would eat a very unhealthy breakfast of chips and C2 apple, chatting, pseudo reviewing and waiting for other people to arrive. Now, i have no breakfast buddy, i read the trans in the morning for the quiz that day, but i still wait for people to arrive.

i used to enjoy the afternoon breaks we had, when we ate kwek kwek, fish ball, shawarma (with extra cheese), cheese sticks and the very accessible joey's pizza.. times when we all ate fast and still had time to chat in between chewing our food.. then there were no awkward  silences because we all wanted to talk. here we have the eating before going home ritual, we chat but there are times when everyone will be quiet.

i enjoyed the birthday surprises and how we happily planned what we'd do and when we'd do it.. especially that time when we were at madz's house and kim ang allyl thought they were doing a surprise birthday bash for the other;.. (me and madz are clever people).. now we still have birthday surprises, but i still don't fully know them to be fully involved..

i miss our christmas parties, with the secret monitas a week before the actual party. as well as the part where we form alliaces and break the pact of not telling anyone who you drew. the secret consultations which consisted of what the gift should be as well as trying hard to keep everything a secret. now, i don't know if we'll have christmas parties now do i know if we'll have a pseudo birthday just to get a free scoop of icecream..

i miss our cam-whoring days.. me and kim's fusion, trying to find madz's photogenic side.. and my all time favorite.. candidate for ugliest pico, where i almost always win. now, i'm finding it hard to smile the same as before. because i know that the people i'm with are not the same people as you guys.. and it's so hard not to compare you to them (even now as i am writing this, i'm holding back tears).

you guys are my family, my sisters, my soulmates, the loves of my life.. so missing you would be inevitable, that much i know. but i also know that we are all connected by a special bond, we might not see each other as often as we want. we might only be able to see each other in facebook, but i know our hearts are always connected.

our college days are one of the few treasured memories i have.. and you five are the highlight of it. my friends now in med school are part of a new chapter in my life, they don't mean any less just that i still don't know them all very well.

always look forward, to see your future; often look at your side, to see friends and family who walk beside you; and sometime look back, not for your want of going back but to see just how far you've gone.

i know God guided us all to meet each other, because, though all of us are scarred and broken, we became each others' support. and i know that the new people we meet in our lives are people whom God sent for us to be touched and for us to touch their lives. my heart will always be with you, i left a fragment of my heart with you and i took a piece from yours in return. that's how we become whole, we piece together the fragments of people's hearts and combine them with our own. so i thank you for making me more whole as a person.

redbox and brainfreeze

my day started early... 7 am... ugh.., i hate waking up early especially when i'm not supposed to be at school before 10 am.. i lazed around before finally deciding to bathe and fix my very ug-leh face. for today i wore normal people clothes so as not to stand out too much.. (my friends might abandon me one day for being too weird),, took a cab to school due to the intense heat- i blame global warming and el nino- i was about 30-45 minutes late due to traffic (24 manila style- is an inside joke... don't ask).. finally got to school and enrolled myself for the second semester(ay... hopefully the second semester will pass by smoothly).. afterwards we waited for our guy friends .. who might i add were super late and slow.. but am not ranting... took a cab to trinoma.. me and bine went and bought cupcakes for the birthday celebrants (d and lyca)... -was wanting cupcakes for myself as well... then we went to the ground floor for me to show bine the cutest thing ever... a kimmidoll that i've been wanting for months now.. our friends texted us to go to gerry's grill which we did after first getting lost and almost going to congo grill.. anyway we ate to our hearts content (thanks d and lyca).. was sleepy by that time so i was quiet... then we walked around the mall... me and bine got separated from the rest so we went to national to buy some art crafts.. when we got out of the store everyone was there waiting for us... after a few more stops at some designer stores (i looffff teh oxford shoes!!!) we headed to redbox and sang karaoke.. well jay and ivan sang most of the songs but still... a special mention to aldric for the very convincing and highly entertaining falsetto vocals and iz's  very deceiving manly voice... we were told to get out of the booth about 4 times i thinketh... time sure flies when you're having fun... we dragged ourselves outside and played at timezone... my favorite place on earth... hahaha... spent more than a hundred pesos until finally it was time to go home... took a cab back home... am beat but still had fun ... can't wait for the next time!

vitwater!

         i awoke to the sound of my alarm. 7:15 am, September 26, 2009, saturday. oh, shit.

the rain was pouring down, not too hard, but i knew i had to get to school before it poured harder.

rode the lrt, same as always. took a leisurely walk along aurora blvd, completely unaware of what was to happen.As i neared the school (uerm) it was raining cats and dogs outside, good thing i was already in the vicinity of the school. Took the lift to the third floor, where my groupmates were waiting and studying for our case study that day.

         you see, were never meant to go to school that saturday, heck, i would still be asleep at home if our prof hadn't asked us to come and present on a saturday instead of a monday (not that i blame her).Anyway, at 10 am we all went up to the 6th floor to wait for our prof, there one of my groupmates (aldric) took out a box of cookies for us to eat, which we all consumed with much gusto.

         At around 10 past, our prof arrived carrying a box of donuts... yum! we ate and discussed for a few minutes before it all suddenly went black. (no i didn't faint) the lights went out. uh-oh, this was not good. we stopped and assessed the area. the rain had somehow gotten stronger, the road was flooded ankle-deep. no way you'd make me walk outside like that.

        we all just looked outside, thinking the water will go down eventually. how naive of us to even think we'd be able to go out the building.as we waited for the rain to seize, some of our groupmates went around looking at the back of the school to find what at first we thought was funny, an inova already surrounded by water up to its headlights.

we then looked at the school grounds below and saw that the water was almost reaching the gym. not good at all.we went down to the 4th floor and sat there, the food our prof had ordered arrived a few moments later, when the water was only about knee-high. we ate, and some even joked about how we'd be spending the night inside the school, we just laughed and never even considered it would become a possibility. we were all still thinking the rain would die down soon, and the water would do down afterwards. we couldn't have been more wrong.

at around 2 pm the water had reached up to the waist, now, we were all just hoping and praying that the rain would stop. but it wouldn't at around 4 past, we'd already submitted ourselves to the fact that we'd be spending the night at school. all the vehicles were submerged in water, the current was strong. it was like, everywhere you look there was water. we were told that wecould have wafers and water from the prev med department and then at around 6 pm we were told to find a place to sleep for the night.. we all went back up to the 6th floor, opened the windows and sat there chatting with each other. the boys went down to get our supply of drinking water. they brought 2 boxes of vitwater, and thus we were for a while contented.. we took group pictures and forced each other to name their top 5 people... it was all fun... a faculty member came up to tell us to go to the library to be with everyone else since tey let outsiders inside the compound. we all sat near the window, with one candle for our light, still, we told ghost stories though some stories were being diverted towards some other topic (i blame mark tecson and his mile-hi club, hahahaha, frequent?), played computer games, sang some songs and then fell asleep.

at dawn we woke up and saw that the water inside the school had gone down, we all went home after waiting for the water to recede.. and i stayed up the whole day to be with my family.. we ate at uncle cheffys, great food, was full to the brim and then went home to get some much needed sleep.

lesson learned... when it's raining always bring the following (list was given by groupmates):

guitar

beat box?

song hits!

water!!! lots of it

food.. chips, cookies

pillow (you never know)

blanket

fully charged laptop/ netbook

life is what you make it

i thought that all i needed in life were my friends from college... they were my rock, the reason for my being happy... we weren't a big group, mind you. just five girls enjoying each others' company (granted we would want to kill each other at some point, but still). that's why when i entered med school without my friend, i was terrified as hell.

the first day was the worst.. not knowing anyone, and not wanting to know anyone.

i wanted to transfer to feu right away and be with my friend, however, mother insisted i go to uerm (i wanted to throw a tantrum but that would have the exact opposite). Anyway, i tried to talk to people but at the back of my mind i had already told myself there's no way in hell i'd be friends with any of these people. whenever my friends would ask me if i'd made any new friends i'd always tell them "i have acquaintances, is that not enough?" or something like "oh, i have pseudo-friends". However, i met a lot of good natured people. granted that most of them are sitting next to me, i still like them. 

i'm still adjusting to their personalities, trying to see where's their boiling point and how far i could push them (and how far i could tolerate their constant teasing, since i'm always on the hot-seat, please find someone else!). i do believe they're people i could hopefully one day say are my true friends, and i hope they'll say the same about me. 

it's a great feeling, making new friends. 

and i'm glad the new friends i made are decent, fun-loving, sincere people. 

oh, well... they say when life gives you lemons you make a lemonade... 

i was certainly out of my comfort zone, but now a have a new set of friends, and i feel like my world is only getting bigger...

life certainly is what you make it out to be.

until next time bloggers...

three months and counting

hey there dear bloggers!

it's been three months since i started going to med school, i must admit it's a lot of fun.
i got to meet a whole new batch of people and i hope i get to be with them until graduation (Lord give me the will to study).

things that have not changed:
1. i still don't study... i read but i don't memorize
2. i'm still a procrastinator...i wise man once said "time is gold", apparently i don't care for all the gold in the world
3. crammer at heart.... yes, i only read (take note. READ) the book a day before the actual exam... Lord, you alone know how i passed
4. i still sleep 7-8 hours.... who said you won't be able to sleep once you're in med school?

things that have changed:
1. my hair... it's now super short... no thanks to the hair cutter who did not ask for my permission to cut it this short... may you never rest in peace (how mean of me)
2. my shoes.. i now wear flats... balancing moi self in the lrt is a hassle with my 3 inch heels...
3. i now have a back-pack? is this the right word? well, whatever it is, i have that now... though i think i only used it twice

my life as a med student is fun... i get to hang out with really cool people... i enjoy the thrill of cramming... though seeing failing grades isn't really my cup of coffee but i know i can do better once i put in a little more effort...

so dear bloggers pray that i survive med school...
i'll keep you posted...

only God knows

it's been six months since i've decided to pursue medicine. well, it's not like i just decided this on a whim. i really wanted to become a doctor in the past, but when i went to college everything became so tiresome that i thought i did not want to pursue medicine.

however, that all changed when i started working. even as a student i knew i wasn't meant for nursing but it all became clear when i entered the hospital as a staff. everyday was monotonous, i felt like my brain was going to melt. slowly getting used to the work things became boring and i felt that there was so much more that i could do. i watched the doctors make their rounds and i envied them. you could say that's where i found that my desire to pursue medicine was rekindled. anyway i quickly quit my job and enrolled at a review center.

my mother paid 9 grand for that review and i only attended five lectures (four of which were half days). i ditched the review sessions and went to the mall to have fun. you see, though i'm not the smartest person in the world i know that i'd at least get more than 50%. well when the result came out it didn't veer away from my estimate, but still mother was furious. she didn't really say furious, she said she was "disappointed". and, frankly speaking, who could blame her? but my stubborness and pride would not let me yeild and we argued over my nmat score.

it was the time that i asked God for a sign. yes, i know it's not like me to ask for one since i vehemently said that i don't believe in such crap. but, desperate times call for desperate measures. so i prayed to God that if i got accepted to UERM, it would mean that i was meant for med school, but if i wasn't accepted i would apply at PAL and join the work force. Actually, i was so taken in with earning a lot of money that i had acctually considered not going to the interview for UERM, but that would mean that i'm cheating and would not get a proper sign. anyway, a week after the interview i found out that i was accepted. there was my sign, i felt like someone had doused me with cold water.

so now, i move forward. a new chapter in my life begins, now as a med student. you could say it's the same as when i entered college. no friends, no familiar face. just me. it's daunting to say the least, and i know it's not going to be easy, but nothing is ever easy. and isn't that why you feel a sense of accomplishment?

i am here only because i was guided. there but God alone....